Prior to the RNY Gastric Bypass surgery I lived my life seeking peace - or perhaps I should say ... avoiding conflict. The two are not the same. One creates peace and the other creates great war and conflict within you while the illusion of peace may surround you. I spent years trying to rid myself of any negative emotions by feeding it. I guess I figured the more I fed it the quieter I could keep it. I was easily swayed by others into thinking I was someone I was not. Some good qualities they saw in me, some not so good. I made every move looking for the approval of others, looking to be accepted and loved and cared aibout. Hoping just hoping someone would validate me. I picked up causes and callings that were not mine to pick up and repeatedly let those that were mine fall away. I spun my wheels trying to progress others jobs, relationships, lives and the worst part about it ... I was teaching my children to do the same - to think with the thoughts of others instead of their own. I was teaching them to keep peace at all costs, even when you know someone else is wrong or something they were being asked to do is wrong .... just keep the peace. Keep your mouth shut, perform so they will like you, even when all your efforts are never enough.
The Gastric Bypass stripped away my "shut-up" tool. I could no longer use food to keep my feelings/thoughts stuffed down and my vocal folds paralized. I could no longer use food as a numbing agent to ignore what I was feeling or thinking and over the last several months I am learning to love the woman God has created me to be. In this process what I have found is this.... In Christ I am much stronger than I ever thought was possible. I have come to know God's relationship with me is far more important than my relationship with any human being and with him and in Him I have enough. Second to only that relationship is the one I have with my children. He has blessed me with incredible treasures. Being a mother to Zoe Claire, Ethan and Madison is the most important mission I will ever be assigned. Loving others does not entail forsaking my God, my children, my family or myself. Living this life God has set me here for includes putting into action the vision He has placed in my heart for my family and our home not tagging onto the vision He has for someone else.
I have learned I like that I care about health and fitness now. I like that I am in control of my daily caloric intake and what I expend through exercise. Not at all from a vain perspective but as a way to challenge this human body God created for me to live this earthly life in and I like that the concern I have for my bodies condition is allowing me to do more for HIM - more and more for HIM. He is showing me that instead of being a selfish act (as I had once thought), taking care of myself is a way to glorify and honor HIM.
I like that instead of feeling foggy all the time I am now clear in my thoughts. I am confident in my actions and though I have made mistakes I can quickly recognize them, ask for forgiveness and live this life free of regret and guilt, those are tools from the enemy that I no longer have to carry around. I like that I can sit on the floor and play with Zoe Claire or walk to the mailbox without getting winded. I like that in all this stripping away of weight He is also working to strip away habits and personality traits that do not glorify HIM or serve a purpose as a child of the KING. I like the new relationship He has developed between myself and my family. He places the lowly in family and I hit the jackpot when He placed me! I like that I feel like a butterfly about to explode out of my cocoon! I am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come. My wings are fighting to fly.
