LATE NIGHT RAMBLINGS

I was so very excited. ZC and I decided at about 8pm to lay down and work on her summer reading project together. The topic of the summer reading project for a 4th going into 5th grader is a whole other rant .... so we decided to read. She was given a choice and 1 of the 2 required readings she chose is this one --------------------------------------------->

It wasn't long before I started to feel the effects of laying down in my bed ... you know the uncontrollable yawning, eye lids sagging kind of affects and well, i was praying for the last page of chapter 1. Knowing the effects, signs and symptoms of taking on any task while laying in my bed my sweet ZC suggested we stop there. Yeah I am sure she was looking out for me ... no ulterior motives or anything. :) It was probably only minutes before I drifted off into a sweet sweet sleep and preparation for a full day tomorrow. Wellll, not exactly. I did indeed drift off to a sweet sleep before 10 pm and wouldn't you know wide awake by midnight! Yes, what I thought would be an all nighter was mearly a cat nap. Not only did I wake up but I awoke in a panic. Things are so crazy and as much as I hate to even admit it so much of it revolves around money. That is usually what my worries are about. As a parent we are responsible for caring for our children. responsible for meeting there needs and DESIRE to even provide some of there wants. I mentioned on my FB the other day it was "wedding Wednesday". I needed to sit down and do some planning for these incredible couple right here

I am really good at trying to escape the inevitable. Miss M and I have done some planning, decided on some decor and menu etc. We took all my grand ideas and whittled them down to something i believed to be manageable and the thing is that these two deserve my big grand ideas! Miss M decided at an early age not to get caught up in the roller coaster and senseless heartbreak of teenage dating. She committed to God that she would trust Him to bring her life mate and HE did exactly that. In an instant C showed up in the picture and I knew that I knew that I knew that God had not only hand picked him for Miss M .... God had created him for Miss M and there you have it. Apart from this little staged peck on the cheek the couple will not kiss until their wedding day.  So my heart hurts that I cannot create this one of a kind most incredibly special day that I have envisioned and Miss M being who she is has said over and over that it's ok, she understands and has totally surprised me by understanding the fact that as a single mom working 2 jobs she is ok with what we have planned ... PROBLEM BEING .... after planning on Wedding Wed. I am still not sure how this is going to happen and at this moment I would like to totally be all spiritually mature and say .... well I know God has this. I know He will come through etc .... but in honest heart to heart truth .... I don't even know! I don't even know. NOW SIDE NOTE HERE I AM NOT FOR A SECOND QUESTIONING MY FAITH IN A GREAT BIG GOD AS MY CREATOR, AS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL AS MY FATHER AND MY SALVATION. I KNOW GOD CREATED ME, HE SENT HIS SON JESUS TO DIE FOR ME TO PAY THE PRICE FOR MY SIN AND PROVIDE A WAY FOR ME TO ETERNITY! What I am in a panic over are the everyday things, not even the "have to's" but the "want to's" While to some a beautiful wedding may seem so insignificant and ultimately as I have watched so many "life and death" situations unfold before me  in the last couple of months in the big scheme of the world they may be but I know the significance to this couple, i know the significance to my girl who for 22 years has really had to sacrifice a great deal as the oldest daughter to a single parent with a very limited income.  This sweet girl who went with me to college and sat in the student breakroom while I finished clinic or helped with her younger brother while I studied for finals. My "panic" stems from the fact tht I know I suck at handling money .... it never seems to matter how much comes in, it's always less than what goes out. I have made budget after budget and well, it never pans out. I have given and not given and it never pans out .... I just don't know. I just don't know. I type all this as if it were the only issue and it's not. There is a birthday gift for a certain 16 year old I still have not delivered and well that is just a couple of the major things. I want so badly to give to my kids.  Please don't walk away from this thinking that the only worry is monetary ... it's not .... it's what the monetary represents to me. It's what the provision of the wedding or the birthday present represent to me. The material gifts are a representation of something far deeper a representation of my commitment to them. Oh and I am just feeling like a failure in that respect.  I am sure there will be lessons learned in this and a chance for growth .... it's just where I am tonight at now 4 am!

POTENTIAL IN A BASKET OF BUILDING BLOCKS

Recently I had the privilege of being in our church nursery, as I do each month during service. For the last couple of months ZC my 10 year old has come along to help. She loves to play with the babies and I feel like it gives her a sense of being a servant and an opportunity to be a blessing to the little ones and their mamas. She was exceptionally helpful this time and really really enjoyed playing with the babies. I had the joy of watching her and as she emptied the basket of building blocks the Lord reminded me that the basket of blocks held great potential in her hands. She could choose to take each block and build a tower tall in strength and stature or a strip mall long and stretched out across the floor. The builder has the power to create what he/she can use each block to create. Everyone of those blocks represents a life experience. 1 block may represent a family member leaving while another may represent graduation another may represent the birth of a child and still another the death of a parent. Each block separate and yet when they are placed together they offer one another strong support, a foundation on which the next one is built and supported. So much like our own lives, we don't choose the experiences. God gives us those. He builds, shapes and creates each block and it's up to each one of us to build the structure. We use the foundation, the strength of each previous block to build on to create the life we are meant to have. We can choose to build it tall, overlooking the many structures around us or we can choose to build it wide.

As ZC built her tower one of the younger children came by and with the swipe of a hand the tower tumbled to the ground and the blocks went everywhere and she rebuilt it over and over again. Quite honestly there are just going to be days when our tower gets knocked down, days when our blocks get scattered and again we are afforded an opportunity to rebuild or let them lay where they fell. There are times when we let them lay for a bit, catch our breath and begin to rebuild and more often than not we never rebuild quite the same. Many times our towers will never  look quite the same after its been knocked down but it is always OUR tower.

There are times in my life I have sat and thought how did I get here? When did my life take this turn or that turn and that is it. My life took that turn when someone knocked down my tower and I got here and there by how I chose to rebuild it. So often we take on a victim stance pouting because our tower has tumbled to the ground. We get caught up in the moment of what someone has done to us but knocking it down and neglect to see the opportunity that is before us. It is an opportunity to make things different. Rebuilding our tower is the chance to do something new, make a different turn, use a different set up in our life. The knocking down of our tower is really more of a gift than a set back. Rebuilding is a time to reevaluate how we have built the structure in the past and how we can make it better for the future. Rebuilding is a time to take that "safe" strip mall with a side foundational base and build a dangerously high tower or to add a shaded area or bridge. It is the opportunity to reshape what we once thought was permanent just by rearranging a few blocks here and there. So the next time your tower gets knocked down take a breath, take a minute to reevaluate and start rebuilding. You probably be pleasantly surprised by the next structure you erect!

YOU make all things new.

Prior to the RNY Gastric Bypass surgery I lived my life seeking peace - or perhaps I should say ... avoiding conflict. The two are not the same. One creates peace and the other creates great war and conflict within you while the illusion of peace may surround you. I spent years trying to rid myself of any negative emotions by feeding it. I guess I figured the more I fed it the quieter I could keep it. I was easily swayed by others into thinking I was someone I was not. Some good qualities they saw in me, some not so good. I made every move looking for the approval of others, looking to be accepted and loved and cared aibout. Hoping just hoping someone would validate me. I picked up causes and callings that were not mine to pick up and repeatedly let those that were mine fall away. I spun my wheels trying to progress others jobs, relationships, lives and the worst part about it ... I was teaching my children to do the same - to think with the thoughts of others instead of their own. I was teaching them to keep peace at all costs, even when you know someone else is wrong or something they were being asked to do is wrong .... just keep the peace. Keep your mouth shut, perform so they will like you, even when all your efforts are never enough.

The Gastric Bypass stripped away my "shut-up" tool. I could no longer use food to keep my feelings/thoughts stuffed down and my vocal folds paralized. I could no longer use food as a numbing agent to ignore what I was feeling or thinking and over the last several months I am learning to love the woman God has created me to be. In this process what I have found is this.... In Christ I am much stronger than I ever thought was possible. I have come to know God's relationship with me is far more important than my relationship with any human being and with him and in Him I have enough. Second to only that relationship is the one I have with my children. He has blessed me with incredible treasures. Being a mother to Zoe Claire, Ethan and Madison is the most important mission I will ever be assigned. Loving others does not entail forsaking my God, my children, my family or myself. Living this life God has set me here for includes putting into action the vision He has placed in my heart for my family and our home not tagging onto the vision He has for someone else.

I have learned I like that I care about health and fitness now. I like that I am in control of my daily caloric intake and what I expend through exercise. Not at all from a vain perspective but as a way to challenge this human body God created for me to live this earthly life in and I like that the concern I have for my bodies condition is allowing me to do more for HIM - more and more for HIM. He is showing me that instead of being a selfish act (as I had once thought), taking care of myself is a way to glorify and honor HIM.

I like that instead of feeling foggy all the time I am now clear in my thoughts. I am confident in my actions and though I have made mistakes I can quickly recognize them, ask for forgiveness and live this life free of regret and guilt, those are tools from the enemy that I no longer have to carry around. I like that I can sit on the floor and play with Zoe Claire or walk to the mailbox without getting winded. I like that in all this stripping away of weight He is also working to strip away habits and personality traits that do not glorify HIM or serve a purpose as a child of the KING. I like the new relationship He has developed between myself and my family. He places the lowly in family and I hit the jackpot when He placed me! I like that I feel like a butterfly about to explode out of my cocoon! I am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come. My wings are fighting to fly.